I wake up at 5am, and my brain is haywire. It is thinking through this scenario. I'm not sure what level of sleep I was in, but I must have been thinking about this in my subconcious prior to waking up.
What if I was the person I am now 9 years ago. Back at School, without the self esteem, acne and in consistently better shape. Able to talk to people, actually know what I want to do, have control, all those things.
How my life would have been better through college and then university, how I was holding myself back for a number of reasons and self doubt.
Oh my god, all the hot girls who took a liking and nothing happened, because-- because I had no idea what to do and all those excuses. Wasted time. Failed opportunities.
It is so clear now, things would have been similar, but different in a good way. I think?
But, I am in my bed thinking about this. It hasn't literally happened, and it won't. Because there is no magic. There is no rewind button. All those regrets or the times after something happened when I then knew what to do in those scenarios... just gone.
The brain won't stop. It wasn't nought to sixty in 7 seconds, it was sixty in 0.1 seconds.
However, I am awake early against my wishes. Thinking about what could have been. Too fucking late, it is all too late.
Move on, start now. Keep failing until you get it right.
Nothing I can do about the past. Nothing.
Spilled milk, pour yourself another glass.
What a waste of an hour.
No comments:
Post a Comment